This is just a little spiritual experience that I wanted to remember. It happened probably a month or two ago and I've thought back on it often enough and it feels significant enough that I don't want to forget it. It just is one of those experiences that feels like a mile marker, if you will. Not really a turning point in my journey, just something that stands out as a checkpoint along the way. A self awareness of my progress maybe.
I used to be a bit of a tantrum thrower. I'd let thoughts and my lack of understanding build up into frustrations over situations which would then open the door for doubts. I'd kind of whine to Heavenly Father about the woes of whatever situation wasn't exactly pleasant. I'd feel picked on or even mad. Luckily, I've grown up a bit and for the most part, can endure a little more pain and suffering and challenges without throwing too much of a fit. Ha. But, anyway - I don't remember exactly what triggered this thought process/whole experience. I think I was thinking about how I need to teach my kids things and specifically thought about prayer, and helping them know God answers prayers, etc. I started thinking about how we've said prayers with my kids - maybe prompted by me - that didn't seem like they were answered in a way that they could recognize. And that's all it took. All of a sudden I felt the beginnings of frustration. And questions about why God wouldn't answer some of their prayers. And how were they going to develop a testimony of prayer if they didn't get some of those experiences. And then I felt it. Ever so subtly and slightly. "What if God isn't even there to answer prayers?" It was a horrifying thought and I didn't like it at all. I knew in that moment that if I latched onto that thought (which I know where it came from), but it still felt like something I could grab onto and would create a snowball effect that Satan could capitalize on to accumulate more questions, frustrations and doubt. Which had the potential to derail faith and testimony altogether. I know that seems like such a small little tiny thought and event and this maybe sounds dramatic. But I remember really recognizing that feeling, not liking it, and knowing that it could turn into more. That recognition and awareness of the thought process hasn't really happened before. And then I did something I haven't really done before either - I guess just because the initiating event hadn't ever happened quite like that before. But I immediately went and prayed. I acknowledged the feeling to Heavenly Father and asked Him to please help me never lose my faith. I wanted to shed that feeling of doubt. The loss of faith is more scary to me...more than any challenge or anything that could happen to me or my family, etc. I never want to lose the testimony of His reality, presence, listening ear, everything.
He did answer that prayer. And I think that's what makes this experience so significant to me. The very distinct awareness of the feeling leaving me and faith reappearing. Nothing but a heard and answered prayer from Heavenly Father explains that and that is what I don't want to forget. I know that I am not immune to a loss of faith and to Satan's temptations. It does take work and effort to stay close to the spirit. I don't want to take that for granted or to ever become complacent. I know God wants me to stay faithful and it just was really cool to experience all this. And to teach me that I should always go to prayer first whenever I feel faith slip up a little. And to keep holding on. I know I'm not going to understand everything that happens. And why there's not intervention when it seems like it would be so easy and when NOT intervening just doesn't make sense and sometimes just feels rude. Haha. Or when prayers AREN'T answered for whatever reason. God's ways are not our ways nor His thoughts our thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8). I hope I will always reach for faith and prayer first, before embracing doubt. (A great quote by Elder Uchtdorf in the October 2013 conference...Come Join with us...Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith!)
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